I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
