She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
