hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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