Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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