yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
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we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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