God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
