Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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