This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
