I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
