I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
