Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I came so hard my ears popped.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
