After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
