just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
