dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
