We won't sleep together?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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