at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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