Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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