I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
