I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
