Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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