I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
