I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
