Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
