My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
