So drunk its hurt
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
