I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
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Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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