I met the friendliest cop last night
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
