He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
false alarm. still invincible.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
