listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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