Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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