Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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