I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
