She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
