there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
