I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
