he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
