I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
