I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
