the condom got lost in my hair
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
