she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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