Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
