..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
