Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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