Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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