I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
