i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
