The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
