i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
