TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
