My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
