I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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