I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
