ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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