I'm so fucking centered right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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