I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
