Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
