If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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