pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
