his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
