I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
