She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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